BEAVERTON, OREGON – In a shocking announcement issued from Columbia Sportswear’s Beaverton headquarters today, the company indicated that it would terminate its sponsorship of Columbia University as a result of its disappointment in Columbia’s athletic performance.
“Our company respects Columbia’s long, venerable consistency in losing,” remarked Donald Stamper, a spokesman for the company. “But the recent loss to the 0-8 Cornell football team was too far. I mean, Jesus, it was bad enough when we were losing to Ivy League schools.”
“We have come to the conclusion that Columbia football no longer represents the values integral to the Columbia brand,” added Stamper. “It’s like if Oscar Meyer sponsored PETA, or Fiber One sponsored Passover.”
Unfortunately, to make up for lost revenue, the university will be forced to cut some student perquisites. “Free printing, discounted newspapers, and the art history department will be among the first to go,” admitted a worried President Bollinger this week. “If necessary, next will be the gummy bears in JJ’s. But I can’t imagine we’ll go that far – we don’t want to incite student protests.”
The university’s administration is frantically searching for a new sponsor to replace Columbia Sportswear at the end of the semester. Unfortunately, the university must also find a new motto to replace Columbia Sportswear’s trademarked 1754 slogan, “In lumine Tuo videbimus lumen.” The university has been working hard to ensure that the new sponsor and slogan well represent the school. As of press time, the top two candidates are reportedly Nike (“Initiate an ongoing dialogue about consent before you Just Do It”) and Capital One (“What’s in your wallet?”).
