Friends, classmates, comrades – it has been clear to me since the moment I set foot on this pathetic campus that I would be in for a woebegone four years of struggling against the iron fist of higher education. As students we have been forced to go through the empty, heartless motions intended to break our spirits and shove us into the mold of conformist, well-adjusted citizens. It is time to draw and declare the unavoidable conclusion of being compelled to participate in a university-controlled schedule: having to go to my classes is pure, unadulterated fascism.
Ask yourself this, comrades: is it fair that your parents spend $70,000 per year to perpetuate this debauchery? For too long the bourgeois registrar has had its boot on the neck of the genteel undergrad, mandating that students “attend their classes,” lest they “fail” them and run the “risk” of “delaying” their “graduation”. So I say to you, fellow scholars, would we not then be enrolled in subjugation and forced servitude of the pursuit of knowledge? If we are made to bear the weight of these burdensome chains under the pernicious guise of “educational instruction,” how are we expected to have time to lie in bed mindlessly scrolling through Instagram while our life withers away? Must we allow the punctual oppressor to dictate that sleeping at 4:00AM and rising 20 minutes before the end of a class is not a celebration of the noble tradition of the scholar? Such vulgar corruption is intolerable! Going to class is a waste of the virtuous labor any good pupil ought to be expending accumulating victory royales in Fortnite, to which the Labour Theory of Value most certainly applies.
Comrades in absenteeism, I confess I had a moment of weakness and almost went to class. Almost. Thankfully, I came across an honorable volunteer, who shoved a clipboard in my face to commit to fight this fascism. Had I not then skipped class to make that courageous stand against fascism, true praxis, I would have then been a fascist by extension! It is, my flaky fellows, yet another concrete example proving that having to go to class is indeed fascist in and of itself.
Shirkers of the world, hear me now! It is time to plant the flag of victory in the soil of this feeble institution. It is class that has divided us, so it is class we shall not attend. We are but a peaceful people, though our swords of class-cutting stand at the ready. Follow the true path, comrades! Do not let malevolent and venomous threats of “failing to graduate in four years, if at all” threaten our time-honored traditions of getting lost in Wikipedia holes for hours on end and ruining our circadian rhythms. We continue our struggle with showing up to our classes, and thus remain engaged in a class struggle whose only end must be in the toppling of the bourgeois taking of attendance! In the future, post-class society, we shall only audit.
Goof-offs and poor time managers across majors, UNITE in this honourable class struggle! Death to consistent attendance, or death under the heel of consistent attendance! We have nothing to lose but our degrees, and a ton of sleep to gain! Viva la revolución de absenteeism!
