ASPEN, CO—A shocking new report from the Department of Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes has exposed an undercover collaboration between BigSki and BigKneeDoctor, with insiders alleging that ski resorts have been intentionally making slopes icier, steeper, and more “ligament-hostile” in a scheme to drive up knee surgery profits.
The report details how resorts have been secretly funneling skiers onto runs previously deemed “too vertical for human recreation.” Runs previously known as “double black diamond” have been relabeled with misleading names such as “You Are the LeBron James of Skiing” and “Great for Beginners Who Love a Challenge” (this is a literal cliff). One leaked email from a BigSki executive states: “If they leave the mountain without a torn ACL, we have failed as a business.”
Despite mounting evidence, BigSki and BigKneeDoctor have denied any wrongdoing. In a joint statement, the companies insisted that skiing remains “a safe and accessible sport for all” and reassured the public that “knees, like kidneys, are redundant by design—you only really need one.”
The federal government has vowed to investigate, though several lawmakers have already been spotted hitting the slopes on spontaneous all-inclusive ski trips.
