On Tuesday, seemingly in response to the breaking news of Columbia’s neglect of student opinions in their decision to bow to the demands of the Trump Administration, the University placed buckets of ‘Columbia Strong’ rubber bracelets around campus to encourage students to rally around the school.
In a surprising turn of events, one student claims, “it’s working.” Speaking with The Fed in an exclusive interview, he disclosed, “I was feeling a little down about all this news concerning Columbia’s complete turn to fascism and total disregard for student voices and opinion. However, when I walked into my John Jay dorm and saw what appeared to me as a beacon of light straight from the heavens themselves, but was rather a white plastic bucket inside of which I found my new favorite wrist accessory. Now, I wear my ‘Columbia Strong’ bracelet everywhere! Every time I see an NYPD officer on campus in full riot gear in response to a peaceful student protest, or whenever I remember that my school sucks the dick of the Trump administration, I look down at my little rubber ray of sunshine and I remember that deep down this school does care about me. I mean, why else would they spend all that money on rubber bracelets for every student? Like, I guess they could use that money for more important things… and, honestly, I was a little confused why they blew some money on rubber bracelets when they abandoned and turned against every student over $400 million, which in the grand scheme of things is a tiny fraction of the school’s endowment. But then, I remembered the immense joy that my ‘Columbia Strong’ bracelet brings me. Wow, what a fantastic institution! I hope you all don’t mind… I actually took two!”
