I Don’t Know What a Parlay Is But I Just Put a Lot of Money on the CUWBB Team

Now, I’m reasonable with money. I’ve never placed a bet in my life. I’m a lady, for god’s sake. I’m a financially mature person. If someone offered me a dollar, I’d take it instead of doubling it and giving it to the next person. I have no interest in making a fantasy team or creating a March Madness bracket (even though I do get a lot of LeBron edits on Reels because my algorithm thinks I’m a 12 year old boy). But, something about the Columbia Women’s Basketball team just gives me a boost of adrenaline. Like I won the lottery. Something about them makes me want to watch them score a… touchdown… or home run… something with a ball and a net… over and over again. The first time I saw that orange hunk of rubber sail into the hands of one of those Amazon warriors, I was hooked. It was a drug. A rebirth. I came back. To every game this season. And we won so many times. First in the Ivy League, baby! It felt fated. I truly feel spiritually connected to this team. Last night, Coach G came into my dreams and told me that her team would always lead me to victory. She said it was because they have a brand deal with Nike, or something. I woke up the next morning feeling like I’d been blessed by an angel. It was a miracle. And then I knew what I had to do next: bet the dollar amount of next semester’s tuition on this team winning March Madness and taking home it all. It’s March Madness, baby. Is this a risky investment? Only a coward with a weak heart would say that. This team is my ride-or-die. A real CUWBB fan would say, “this team is capable of anything. This team will give me a return on my multi-thousand dollar bet.” I believe they can do it. In fact, I know they will. You know what? I’ll put even more money on it. Yeah. You gotta spend money to make money. Next semester’s tuition? How about all of next year’s tuition? My senior year’s on the line, now. I’m serious about this team. I’m dead serious. I put a lot of money on this team. A lot of money. I don’t think I can afford this. I can’t afford this. I think I have a problem. I think I need help.