Amid nationwide cuts to DEI programs, including Columbia’s stealthy removal of DEI language from various college websites, the University has announced that they will be removing the iconic statue of Alma Mater from Low steps in the coming weeks.
“She just sits there and acts all high and mighty,” said administrator Jeffrey Strait. “For a school named after Christopher Columbus, it’s ridiculous that we’ve let some layabout woman represent the University for so long. She’s effectively a DEI hire.”
The University’s position reflects comments made by President Trump at a SIPA Q&A session in 2019. “Alma Mater? She’s flat, she’s extremely flat. I tell people, I say she’s flatter than a pancake,” opined the president. Trump has also recently asserted that between Alma and Hillary Clinton, the University doesn’t have room for two “nasty, nasty women.”
While only speculative, there are rumors that Alma Mater’s spot will be replaced by a statue of Columbus being saluted by Trump, Kid Rock, and Alex Jones.
