BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
At 8 AM, you wake up in your cramped Carman Hall dorm and pull your hair into a messy bun. You slip on an oversized hoodie, ripped jeans, and Converse. As you were leaving for class, Roar-ee and Alma Mater were in the lobby, staring at you with solemn expressions. You glance up from the book you were reading.
“Alma Mater from the Low Steps and Roar-ee the Lion?! What’s going on?” You ask in confusion.
“Listen up, Y/N!” Alma Mater draws on her cigarette. “The government is canceling $400 million in federal funds to Columbia, and we need money fast! Roar-ee and I sold you so we could get some cash back!”
“What?!” You cry. “You can’t do that!”
“Go upstairs and pack your bags, your new owners are gonna be here any minute now!” Roar-ee roars at you.
Tears stream down your face as you return to your dorm and pack your college memories in a single Jansport backpack. Out of all the students, why did it have to be you who got sold? All you wanted to do was read books and discuss The Odyssey in Lit Hum, because you actually like reading—you’re not like other Columbia students.
As you sniffle and trudge down the stairs, you reluctantly force yourself to accept your fate. However, you look up to see Alma Mater and Roar-ee… standing with the band One Direction?!?! You glare at all of the band members in disgust.
“No way! Aren’t you guys that stupid British band?!”
“Oi luv, don’t be like that,” The blond one, Niall, scoffs.
It suddenly clicks in your head: Columbia was founded by the British, so now the university was relying on their support by selling you to them!
“Thanks for taking Y/N off our hands, boys.” Roar-ee said with a malicious grin.
“Shut up! I hate both of you! I hate One Direction!” You sob.
“Lit rally bonkaz luv,” The one with brown hair, whom you recognize as Harry Styles, rolls his eyes. “Everyone in the world loves us.”
“Well I’m not like the others! I hate all of you!”
Before you can protest further, Alma Mater knocks you unconscious with her bronze scepter.
