After the announcement that the Trump administration would be cutting $400 million in funding to Columbia University last week, President Armstrong announced that she was “deeply committed to ensuring that we find a solution to restore funding to critical research functions of the university.” Luckily for the Columbia community, Armstrong found just that solution as she was dozing off to sleep the other night. “Eureka!” she shouted. “I’ve got it!” She quickly got on her computer and sent out a school-wide email to the Columbia Medical Center.
In her email, Armstrong laid out a clear plan: upon enrollment, each student will be required to create an OnlyFans account to directly raise funds for important medical research. “There are 1,500 medical students,” Armstrong noted, “so that means each of you only has to make a measly $266,666.67 to put Columbia right back on track!”
Of course, Armstrong would never have suggested this innovative solution without giving it a trial run herself. In her email, she suggested a couple key tips for students to follow to ensure they’re able to make money as quickly as possible. “From my experience, telling your horny middle-aged male clientele that you’re raising money for cancer research just gets them, well, a little bummed out!” Armstrong noted. “Instead, it’s better to just tease these sexually-deprived weirdos by acting like they’re really connecting with you. And, if you need to, maybe slip in some feet pics every once in a while. Gotta keep that money flowing—it can’t hurt!” Armstrong also stressed that it is vital for med students to put “seeking M.D. (massive dick)” in their bios to achieve maximum fundraising success. The president also recommended students pair their Columbia sanctioned stethoscope with a “teensy little nurse costume” to help boost roleplaying engagement. “And, if you sign up with your columbia.edu email address, we’ll send you some Columbia blue lingerie to help get you started!”
Although the effectiveness of this strategy remains to be seen, Armstrong has reportedly already made a whopping $10,000 through the site. However, to stop anyone from getting too excited, she quickly released a statement clarifying that she has spent $15,000 upgrading her camera equipment and purchasing “fun props.” “Gotta spend money to make money, folks, and becoming a successful content creator ain’t cheap!”
