Both Stanford and Columbia’s campuses have been buzzing with anticipation as they wait for the two schools to battle it out and make a final decision regarding an age-old battle: which university championed the iconic black turtleneck? Stanford takes ownership over Elizabeth Holmes, claiming, “We respect the fashion, not the company.” Columbia, however, argues that they can claim Steve Jobs, who famously did not graduate from any university. A spokesperson for Columbia explained, “You see, Steve founded Apple, right? And Columbia is located in the Big Apple. Do you follow me? So, if you think about it, Columbia really is the closest thing you can get to a university that represents Steve Jobs and his company.” The spokesperson then turned to his Stanford counterpart and remarked, “We respect the fashion and the company. That’s not something everyone here can say.”
The judges at last finished deliberating, and in an upset win declared actual turtle Grand Master Oogway the winner of the Black Turtleneck competition. Randall Duk Kim rushed to the stage to receive his trophy: “To voice the famous turtle, Master Oogway, in the billion dollar Kung Fu Panda franchise, was the highlight of my career until this moment. I would like to recognize my opponents, The Big Apple (Steve Jobs) and Elizabeth Holmes for their profound contributions to society or… prison. Regardless, I am so glad that someone has finally given recognition to Master Oogway’s neck. One little thing though—you got the color wrong. It’s green, not black. Thank you so much again.” The University of Hawaii, Duk Kim’s alma mater, currently has his trophy on display in its world-renowned turtle sanctuary.
Note: President Armstrong and President Levin have been working around the clock to make sure that one of them claims the trophy next year. Legal proceedings are in order to rescind the trophy from the University of Hawaii, attempting to disqualify Grand Master Oogway on the grounds that he is a tortoise, not a turtle.
