We’ve all gone through it: you pull up to campus all excited to see your friends—or at least, you were excited until you showed up at your dorm only to be greeted by—wait, who is that? Oh no… not that fucking guy again, Mark or Mike or whatever his name was. You sigh as all the memories come rushing back: the time he crashed your birthday party, the time he ended up on your flight home for Thanksgiving and invited himself to dinner, the time he just happened to switch into your CC section on the last add/drop day. Goddamn it, you think, as he wraps you in a giant “welcome back” hug.
Look, you know they mean well and all, but it would be great if they could just shut up and stop bugging you. Well fear not, loyal reader! Just follow one of our simple, patented, tried-and-true strategies, and you’ll be rid of them for good!
- The Secret Mission: Ask them to meet you at an isolated spot in Riverside Park that night. Once there, tell them you’ve been preparing them for this challenge ever since you met, and that you believe only they are strong enough to handle the lengthy journey on foot. You hand them a red envelope with a set of coordinates inside. Where do they lead? A Jersey Mike’s in Tacoma, Washington. What will they find there? Another red envelope you’ll mail there, labeled “Clue 2/190.”
- The Vigilante: They show up to your room one day, probably to give you another monologue about their History of Ancient Dung Beetle Representation in Art class. They knock loudly on the door, when suddenly it swings open with ease. You’re lying on the floor, covered in fake blood (probably available at University Hardware). They’ll shriek and vow to avenge your killer, sprinting out of the room. Hopefully they’ll be too busy doing some vigilante justice to show up to your classes!
- The Early Mid-Life Crisis: Show up to class in tears, a miserable wreck about how your whole life is in shambles (but more so than on a normal Tuesday) and how you’re struggling to find meaning in it all. To cope with the existential angst, start an insufferable band the next day and invite them to every performance. An hour of Pearl Jam covers should be enough to make them never want to hear your voice again!
- The Reptile Enthusiast: “Hey, what did you do over winter break?” they’ll ask you. You picked up a new hobby! For the first few weeks, wherever you go, you’ll wheel around a 6’x3’x4’ terrarium filled to the brim with snakes and lizards. You’ll invite them to lunch – oopsies! Your rattlesnake got loose in John Jay! Of course, if that doesn’t work, you could always give it another shot with a Komodo Dragon.
