According to multiple reports from our dedicated Federalist correspondents in Uris Hall, SEAS student Anne T. Seaushill has been sporting sweaty palms and a rapid heartbeat while in line at Chef Mike’s Sub Shop, despite intending to order the exact same sandwich she’s gotten nearly a thousand times before.
Seaushill could be heard quietly mumbling her order, which had not changed since the first time she ordered it over three years ago. She was careful to be acutely aware of the correct sequence of sandwich components (spreads, then cheese, then proteins, then toppings, then dressings), as if they might somehow be different from the day before or the day before that.
Seaushill is very concerned about ordering correctly, so that she can win at being a sandwich customer and everyone inside Chef Mike’s will quietly appreciate her expertise. The goal of logistical sub greatness, however, is only a secondary motivator for Seashill’s precision. What truly pushes her is the fear of failing at being a sandwich customer. In this event, passersby will scoff at the amateur embarrassment that is her order. The employees at Chef Mike’s (whom Anne has only ever had positive experiences with) will ridicule her for not being fast, loud, or clear enough while making the only sandwich she has ever or will ever order. She will tearily sprint out of the building and transfer to Dartmouth in shame. Most recent reports of the scene show Seaushill performing box breathing as the line in front of her dwindles. As she steps forward in line, she appears to have already forgotten the contents of her sub and how to perform basic social interactions. We at the Fed wish her all the best.
