Instead of changing the policies, attitudes, and language that have been largely responsible for Barnard’s lack of incoming funds, President Rosebury has announced a controversial plan to absolve the College’s $252 million debt. Effective Valentine’s Day, merchandise sold in the Barnard store will now be manufactured by e-commerce marketplace, Temu—known for prices so low the only explanation could be slave labor!
This development entails some unfortunate news for some of the most beloved Barnard merch. The Fed is sad to report that the pink Barnard thong adorned with rhinestones will now be single-use and that the bill of the ‘BARNARD DAD’ hat will no longer stay up independently. On the upside, students will now be able to purchase AI-generated shower curtains of Millie the Bear posed as RBG, Frida Kahlo, and other famous feminists for their suites!
Outrage surrounding the questionable ethics of the company was raised to President Rosenbury by Fed reporters. The confused president allegedly defended the website, saying, “Have you seen these prices? I got AirPods for $5.99!” Our reporters also noted she was sporting a Fashion Nova hot pink blazer during this interaction. Amidst ongoing campus construction, there have been concerns raised by the NYC Building Codes to “suspicious materials outside of Altschul hall resembling that of the Temu $23.99 Outdoor Shed and Fence Kit.” When asked to comment, Rosenbury refused. However, the president did comment to confirm that shop prices will not be adjusted.
