WASHINGTON — On Capitol Hill this week, House Republicans took a pause from sorting out the many problems affecting the country to deal with a far more pressing issue: the completely unregulated sale of Valentine’s Day candy to women.
“The seductive nature of the candies lining our shelves today is completely beyond the pale,” Speaker Mike Johnson adamantly stated while gesturing furiously at a pile of Sweethearts and Hershey’s Kisses. “If our government can regulate the sale of cigarettes, we have to be able to stop the utterly dangerous thoughts these sweet treats are planting in our citizens’ minds. An innocent young lady might buy a ‘cutie pie’ Sweetheart for her hometown beau, and before you know it, she’s pregnant, he’s ditched her for a new Hershey kiss fling, and she’s getting an abortion.”
With the issue of reproductive rights remaining an ever-present struggle between the two parties, reports say Republicans are happy to have the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone, but in a “pro-life” kind of way. As Speaker Johnson stressed, “Our government needs to make sure every woman who buys a bag of Valentine’s Fun Dip knows exactly the kind of risk she’s automatically taking, and this bill takes care of that by making every female purchaser swear a binding oath to carry any pregnancies produced from this subversive, sugar-fueled encounter to term.”
As this bill has inched towards the President’s desk, further specifics from the proposed legislation have been made public. The act will require women to house children covered by the act until age 18, provide each child born with their own copy of the Trump Bible™, conduct nightly bedtime readings of said text, ensure that each child registers as a Republican voter, and provide children with at least two siblings. “That way,” the act states, “they won’t grow up to be a weird only child and instead will get to be part of a great, functional, American family like the Trumps!”
It remains to be seen if the legislative branch will move quickly enough in order for this act to take effect this Valentine’s Day. This has been good news to many, since, as the Democratic minority has assured Americans, chances are by Valentine’s Day next year the U.S. won’t be around anymore anyway!
