We’ve all been there: your big-name university president made an oopsie or two, and now you’re scrambling for a new one at the last minute. What’s a board of trustees to do? No fear; we are here to offer you foolproof tips on how to pick the perfect president to get those potential applicants to open the Common App (and those donors to open their wallets). Here are the Fed and the Chaparral’s standards for the ideal candidate:
- Must be willing to shoulder the burden of disposable income upwards of 1.5 million dollars.
- What better way to evaluate the candidates than to see how fast they can burn through money? They must be able to share this trait with their wealthy peer university presidents.
- Have to take a proctored exam to prove they know how to get away with cheating in institutional settings.
- If your students are using ChatGPT anyway, you don’t want your university president to be left out of the loop!
- Have to be quickest at spotting a diverse, multicultural friend group from afar for ideal campus photo-ops.
- Brochures don’t make themselves! This candidate should be able to quickly identify a group of POC friends or force a couple of strangers to eke out a smile for a quick snapshot.
- Good at marketing their homemade lemonade stand
- Every little bit helps the endowment! If they can market lemonade, they can probably market a friendly sponsorship from Lockheed Martin for the new climate school building.
- Must be pro-evaluation, but not pro-test!
