Ever been polishing your pearl and thought, You know what would make this better? A little Ivy League spirit. Or maybe you’re rendezvousing with that special someone and suddenly wonder, Would my lover’s cup overfloweth if this vibrator bore the noble crest of Columbia University? Well, good news—your cries for school pride have been heard! Presenting the latest must-have from the Columbia University Bookstore: the all-new Columbia™ vibrator.
Lovingly designed by none other than our very own Dean of the Fu Foundation School of Engineering, Shih-Fu Chang, this little number comes with seven carefully calibrated intensity settings and an impressive thirteen vibration patterns—but who’s counting?
Federalist reporters have been on the ground and in the bedroom to collect testimonies from the Columbia community. “Best holiday gift ever!” cheered one student, staggering out of the bookstore with an armload of Columbia Vibrators. “Got one for Mom, one for Grandma, and one for my lab partner!” Another buyer confided, “Honestly? This thing gave me a rash. But, like, a prestigious rash.”
So, next time you’re DJing down in Bushwick, don’t show up with just any old toy. Get the only one approved by your alma mater. Use the code “FedFucks” for a very tasteful 10% off!
