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My Application To Be Trump’s Secretary of The Interior 

by

In my first semester at Columbia University, one aspect of college life that struck me by surprise was just how expensive New York City really is. I ran through virtually all of my graduation money on haircuts and $9 coffee in just a few months. I discussed my financial predicament with my advisor, who recommended that I apply to a couple of on-campus jobs or a work-study program. She said that “something not too stressful or time-consuming” would be best for me. 

But I go to Columbia, damn it! I have been told my whole life that I can be/do whatever I want, and ever since I learned that the Secretary of Interior was a real job a couple of days ago, it is ALL that I have dreamed of doing. Plus, it’s one of those bureaucratic positions where no one knows exactly what the job description is; in all honesty, it sounds like a chill part-time gig that I could easily balance alongside my rigorous coursework and tireless dedication to The Federalist.

So, President-Elect Trump, I have included below 6 really good reasons as to why you should select me as the next U.S. Secretary of the Interior:

  1. I LOVE the interior. I love cuddling up in the interior of a blanket, riding in the interior of a car, studying in the interior of Butler…you get the picture. 
  2. I don’t know what the Secretary of the Interior does! Usually, this would make someone unqualified for a job, but, you and I, we think outside the box–we think outside the interior (see what I did there). To ease your concerns about my qualifications, I will say this: I am as qualified to be the Secretary of the Interior as Elon Musk is qualified to run the Department of Education and RFK Jr. the Department of Health. 
  3. I’m really good at lying. I know how much that means to you, Mr. Trump. To ease your concerns about my qualifications: just ask my ex-girlfriend. She can vouch for me. 
  4. I’m loyal. DO NOT ask my ex-girlfriend about this!!! Just trust me on it, I would never cheat on you, baby–I mean, Mr. President-Elect. 
  5. I hate the Exterior.
  6. I need a way out of jail. I was the last person prosecuted in the city of New York for jaywalking before they decriminalized the action. So, from one convict to another, please help me out and make me your Secretary of the Interior so this can all go away.