As a result of the Columbia Lions’ recent epic losses, Roar–ee stated in a recent interview with The Federalist that, after some self-reflection, he has decided it will be best for his mental health not to return next semester. “The guys always manage to fight till the end, and I commend them for that, but ever since the homecoming game, I keep getting cyberbullied from Dartmouth’s Keggy the Keg, and I’ve had enough–I’m going to Florida. Plus, since Hurricane Milton, housing prices have never been lower.” With this move, Roar-ee will join the growing trend of elderly New Yorkers migrating to the Sunshine State, and is reportedly already eyeing a condo in Palm Beach. Roar-ee plans to spend his retirement golfing at Mar-a-Lago and lounging on his new 40-foot yacht, though he may still Zoom into Columbia games to lead the occasional cheer from a poolside cabana. But this begs the question: who will be Columbia University’s new full-time mascot? Jerry the Subway Rat? Leopold the Cockroach? Maybe there’s a new, younger lion eager to follow in Roar–ee’s footsteps.
Columbia Football Team’s Poor Performance Causes Roar-ee The Lion to Retire Early to Palm Beach
