In preparation for Homecoming, Columbia University’s Board of Trustees have announced their plans to retire Roar-ee and replace him with a new, very chill mascot. This decision comes after controversy over the lion, an oppressive symbol of the British Empire, which was chosen as a mascot to reflect Columbia’s founding as King’s College in 1754.
“We recognize that Columbia University plays an important, long-standing role in American history. Moving forward, we chose a new mascot that properly reflects Columbia as an institution firmly rooted in the United States,” one trustee said in an exclusive statement with The Fed.
The mascot, (presumably) tentatively named “My New Mascot,” is believed to be a light brown dog with a humanoid body, though his species has not been confirmed. He wears a Columbia sweatshirt, baggy jeans, and sneakers.
“His whole deal is he’s a chill guy that lowkey doesn’t give a fuck.” A University representative explained.
My New Mascot’s nonchalant nature was chosen to reflect how few people genuinely care about Columbia football games. When asked about the proposed mascot change, many students said they “honestly didn’t care.” The only thing that’s more dead and missing than Columbia’s school spirit is apparently Matilda the Harlem Goat!
“I like how he’s just so mysterious.” Millie the Bear, Barnard’s mascot, told The Fed while twiddling her paws. “I’m excited for what he has in store for Columbia.”
Roar-ee declined to comment.
