On Saturday, numerous Columbia twinks gave reports that they saw Senator JD Vance dancing alone at Hardware, a famous Hell’s Kitchen queer bar. According to one particularly disgusted bar patron, Vance was reportedly wearing an ill-fitting neon green tank top and black jeans with a “visible Lady Gaga Chromatica jockstrap.”
Known for his harsh record on LGBTQ+ issues, many bar patrons were surprised to see former president Trump’s running mate at the bar. In an anonymous interview with the Fed, one bartender said that he even saw Senator Vance request the song “Sweet Dreams Are Made of This” very aggressively several times. When the song finally played, he reportedly tried to get several twinks with questionable Wisconsin IDs to dance with him.
In an interview, one of the twinks with a Wisconsin ID said, “I can’t attest to his record, but I can say he’s a real diva.”
The senator, however, was asked to leave after he started forcefully lecturing a gay couple with a child on their iPhone lock screen on “the terrors of gay adoption.” The child was reportedly the couple’s nephew.
On his way out, a Hardware bouncer alleged that he screamed, rather flamboyantly, “Whatever. I’m taking this fine piece of ass to the Eagle.”
