Last Monday, Physics Professor Brian Greene declared the Schermerhorn Extension a new scientific breakthrough for studying the theory of both special and general relativity.
While previous studies have shown that mass is relative to velocity and energy, Dr. Greene’s study demonstrates that in the Schermerhorn Extension, matter (the very makeup of the building) is relative to time itself.
“For example, Room 859 only appears on Tuesdays and Thursdays,” explained Dr. Greene. “Room 98⅘ is accessible only from the hidden tunnel at the bottom of the elevator shaft on the first day of the month. Room 292 has two entrances but only one exit. And Room 462 + 3i contains a cat that is only alive after noon and before midnight.”
Dr. Greene continued:
Time seems to move half as fast as normal in room 1058B, even though its extreme amount of spinning acceleration proves that the room’s velocity is not constant. Each day, the 9th floor layout rotates 180 degrees. In Room 749, the strengths of the gravitational and electromagnetic forces are swapped, making one literally stuck to the ground. Finally, Room 400-W has literally another dimension to it and looks like a tesseract from the inside.
When asked about the largest breakthrough in the building, Dr. Greene responded: “We found what appears to be a black hole in room 888. I sent in one of my graduate students to investigate, and we were able to witness spaghettification on humans firsthand. Another win for the scientific community.”
