Dear Fed,
Here we are, week number whatever of the semester, and I have a confession to make. I am not locked in. Like, at all, dude. I’m not grinding, hustling, or moving in silence. In fact, I’m so not locked in, I’m locked out – I need to go to Hartley to get a temporary key! All this is to say, I can’t for the life of me lock in. Any advice?
Dear Fed: I am locked in
By Izzy Szyfer
Uh, hello? Anyone there? It’s me. I’m locked in the library. I just got an email saying they were closing all buildings starting at 7 PM, but it wasn’t sent until 7:54, and by the time I tried to get out, the doors were all locked. Anyways, I’m stuck and I don’t know what else to do except call out from the stacks to my favorite campus satire publication for their imminent and speedy assistance. Wait, Mr. Federalist, why are you smiling at me through the skylight? Did you…did you do this? Because of…that stupid letter I wrote? It was a joke – like, because of the phrase “locked in”? Wait, no, don’t go! Don’t leave me here with my half-finished assignments! Come baaaaaaaaacckkkkkk!!!!
