According to newly released data from the Pew Research Center, 99% of undecided voters who haven’t yet filled out their mail-in ballots for the 2024 Presidential Election “just can’t seem to find a pen anywhere!” In fact, this same 99% were also reported as saying, “I don’t live under a rock, of course I’ve made up my mind – are you insane? But where the hell are people getting these pens?” It seems these voters have found it utterly impossible to find a blue or black pen with which they can fill out their mail-in ballots. These undecided voters have reported visiting stores only to find ravaged, empty pen shelves, and have been repeatedly turned down by friends when asking to borrow one for “just five minutes”. TheFed tracked down one of these voters for an in-person interview, only for them to take a flying lunge at our reporter, who happened to have a ballpoint pen sticking out of their back pocket. Our reporter stumbled and fell, shattering the pen and splattering ink everywhere, at which point the undecided voter froze and broke into tears. “Aw man, all I wanted was to write in Moo Deng for President,” he sobbed. Don’t miss your chance to vote, be sure to register for a black pen before the 2028 election!
