Barnard administration has recently unveiled a new program aiming to reduce the quantity and severity of fires in the Quad: an annual ‘controlled burn’ of select dormitories.
Ms. Ashley Vargas, Barnard’s very own Smokey the Bear, states, “Every year, Barnard is wracked by an epidemic of small-scale fires in the dormitories. Students forget to turn the oven off, they toss their lit cigarettes into trash cans filled with paper, or that cow kicks over a lantern again. We should combine these small, irksome flames into one great big fire and get it all over with.” When pressed for further comment, she added, “What? Oh yeah, sure, we can control it. If you really want to, I guess. Fine.”
The controlled burn, which this year would take place on Sulzberger 7th floor, where the CARES team assessed that the “vibe is off,” will hopefully rid the dorms of understory fuel that often exacerbate fires: looseleaf papers, tissues, mouse nests, beds, sleeping students, and the building itself.
Seeking more answers, the Fed team hit up the CARES office in Barnard Hall. “Next time we turn on that fire alarm, trust, there will be a fire,” stated a campus safety officer (without prompt), building a miniature replica of the quad out of matchsticks. From across the room, another officer hoisted her flamethrower overhead and advised students to promptly exit the building the next time the fire alarm goes off.
