A staggering new study has confirmed a long-standing concern in the Columbia community—one of these dorky little assholes is, indeed, the next Barack Obama.
Columbia’s proud history of accomplished and influential alumni is a cornerstone of the university’s identity. However, this reputation often clashes with the reality that so many of these slimy, arrogant pricks you share a campus with are so objectively annoying that they couldn’t possibly be even mildly successful. Unfortunately, despite their lack of good opinions or normal voices, one of these Grade-A goobers is gonna be in your kid’s textbook someday.
Experts suggest immediately getting on the good side of all these uptight losers, in the hopes that a minor cabinet position or pity check could come your way in the future. After all, one of these snarky know-it-alls will soon rise to their full potential, or just be in the right place at the right time, and be lauded as an American hero. God damn it.
