Shortly after the Fed famously broke the news of now-ex-President Minouche Shafik’s resignation, Dr. Katrina Armstrong of the Vagelos Medical School was announced as the new President of Columbia University. Now, newly-leaked documents have shed light on the rationale behind her selection by the Board of Trustees.
Many assumed that she was chosen for her history of leadership and connections to Columbia or for her outstanding professional record. WRONG! A review of the leaked documents reveals she was actually chosen for her last name: Armstrong. Not because the board hoped to evoke the scientific legacy of astronaut Neil Armstrong, the musical legacy of trumpeter Louis Armstrong, or the cheating legacy of cyclist Lance Armstrong. Rather, the Board believed that her last name was actually a descriptor, and she would bring a pair of strong arms to Columbia.
You might be asking: why would the Board be so interested in choosing someone with strong arms? According to the documents, the answer is very simple: they just wanted to be held. After enduring a year of campus unrest during which they boldly pursued total inaction, they felt scared and vulnerable, especially after their already unattainable leader fled back to the safety of a faraway country. And so, they chose the person they thought would take them into a firm embrace and hold them tight through the new academic year and beyond. Oh well!
Our sources inside the administration have reported that the Board of Trustees has temporarily imprisoned President Armstrong on the bottom floor of the Dodge tri-level fitness area, where she is required to pump iron until she can lift 2,700 pounds (the approximate combined weight of the university administrators).
