Twenty-five years after the last major update of SSOL in 2001 following the .com bubble burst and the concurrent cheapening of software engineer labor, the Registrar’s Office has announced plans to reformat registration entirely in an effort to modernize and better prepare students for the current labor market.
Instead of receiving an assigned registration time as in the previous system, students will receive a starting position on the Quad, a weapon of their choice, and a list of those they must hunt down in order to enroll in classes required for their degrees. Golden tickets to highly coveted classes, as well as additional weaponry, will be placed near Alma Mater on the Low Steps in the center of the arena—sorry, campus. The victor of the tournament shall be permitted to enroll in any class they desire, while the loser shall suffer the loss of their major, among other things.
Correspondents within the Registrar’s Office, who wish to remain anonymous, hope that this tournament will prepare Columbia students for job markets across fields and increase the efficiency of an outdated and chaotic registration system which has been the subject of complaints since the .com bubble software slump ceased. When asked about the safety and efficacy of the new system, Columbia officials with confusingly elaborate hairstyles responded “We’re not above using spectacle to create a little terror. There’s a point to everything, or to nothing at all, depending on your worldview,” while petting multiple rainbow-colored vipers.
