To all my wanton degenerates of Barnumbia,
If you have felt a complete lack of vim, vigor, sex appeal, or any other ~lustful~ emotions since returning to campus, have no fear: I, Izzy Szyfer, a person who watched UK Skins way too early in my adolescent years, along with my co-managing editor, Sylvi Stein, and Ella Diaz, our third, are here to help! We’ve compiled a list of the best strategies to turn your fall semester from dry and crispy (like autumn leaves) to wet and slippery (like autumn leaves… that have been rained on).
- Wear a flannel around campus with nothing but underwear underneath. You’ll look so cozy and autumnal from the back, and can flash your lingerie from the front—nobody will need to guess what’s going on down there. Show off those DDs in JJ’s, girl.
- Indulge in as many delusions as possible: What’s sexier than disassociating from reality? Your coquettish stare will drive everyone wild.
- Take a leave of absence if your hot prof from last semester is on sabbatical: Because, like, what’s the point of slinking into class two minutes late to show off your outfit if you can’t even see their broody, disapproving stare?
- Get a TicTac container and fill it with all the Plan B from the Barnard vending machine. If you really want to have birth control, you have to prove it.
- Sit in Cafe East, do no work, and eye-fuck a raindrop while it slides down the window. Have your main character music video moment as every dining plan holder shoves bubble tea down their gullet. Are they deepthroating? No, just a loose pearl.
- Come to the Fed. Nothing sexier than writing for the hottest paper on campus. We’ll even walk you home 😉
