In an effort to distance herself from the unpopularly harsh actions taken by the previous president, Interim President Katrina Armstrong has formally offered to score booze for underclassmen if they don’t have a fake or whatever.
The announcement came last Tuesday when President Armstong held an “informal rap sesh” with students at Columbia College. Armstrong straddled a backwards chair while informing freshmen that she “could totally get my hands on some Busch or White Claw or whatever if you guys have a hard time getting it. Also, I can tell you all the places that don’t card, I have them all on a spreadsheet. I mean my Notes app.”
The announcement followed a series of efforts by the interim president to establish herself as a chill, laid-back administrator who would never call the police on anybody as long as nobody broke any rules. Earlier this month, Armstrong was seen trying extremely hard to hold her own in an impromptu Spikeball game and has also been reportedly spitballing nicknames for herself and seeing what sticks.
Additionally, Armstrong has been inserting curse words into her correspondence. In a recent email, Armstrong asserted her “commitment to reaffirming our fucking values and shit.” This new tone indicates a “real cool-with-the-kids,” “would-probably-never-incite-violence-on-my-students” image that Armstrong has been trying to develop. The Columbia student body will be intently watching the President’s response to inevitable campus turmoil, as well as wondering if she will ever mention that you never paid her back for that Tito’s handle. Only time will tell.
