MANHATTAN, NEW YORK – Earlier this month, the New York Post reported that Barron Trump, son of Donald and Melania Trump, was beginning his first year at New York University’s Stern School of Business. In doing so, the youngest child of the former president (6’9”) may have accidentally started a feeding frenzy of hundreds of alternative shawties eager for a trust-fund-having, economy-explaining, ultra-normie boyfriend. In recent weeks, MTA workers have reported a 300% increase of people switching from the 1 to the N/R/W at 14th St/Union Square, and security cameras show a frightening number of septums, baby bangs, and iGirl necklaces on the platform. It appears Morningside Heights is experiencing a ‘mass exodus’ of she/theys venturing downtown for a chance to win the heart of this barely-legal blondie. To ready themselves for battle, Barnard students are lacing up their steel-toed boots and arming themselves with ThriftBooks copies of Economics for Dummies. Their collective goals appear to include introducing Trump to The Hellp and convincing him to spend all of his life savings on Kijitora matchas and bribes to the bouncer at Basement. The only thing that remains to be seen? Which non-binary baddie will take home the ultimate prize—a boring boyfriend to fund their lifestyle and a new crib in Palm Beach? Hey, Ridgewood’s getting expensive!
