After the historic announcement that President Biden will not seek reelection after months of concern regarding his mental state, Democratic Party members shifted to their next elderly target: Columbia’s 114-year-old lion mascot Roar-ee. Following videos that surfaced of the mascot freezing after a Columbia touchdown and having to be helped up stairs by one of his handlers, Democratic elites began a concerted effort to push Roar-ee out in favor of a younger, spryer cub. “At this point it’s just sad,” said one unnamed party member, “Columbia students deserve a fierce mascot who energizes the community, not some geriatric kitten.”
In the face of this harsh criticism, Roar-ee has steadfastly remained focused on continuing to serve Columbia. “Folks, under my leadership Columbia has reached heights that we had never seen before. Stick with me and I will continue to serve each and every student to the best of my ability,” he adamantly stated. Unfortunately, he followed up this display of strength with two embarrassing gaffes, calling Shafik “PrezBo” and attempting to get a standard-sized Dorito bag with his Diana meal swipe instead of a snack-sized bag. Reportedly, Roar-ee will meet with party officials this weekend to discuss his future as the face of Columbia.
