Recently uncovered documents from the Columbia University Libraries revealed that despite hundreds of years as an independent operation, Columbia University is technically a mere satellite campus for the New Jersey-based Princeton University. Records show that, to avoid an increased tax obligation, Princeton University established a small college in Manhattan to use as a shell company for university spending, which records list as “under complete control by thee Presbyterian College of New-Jersey.”
Upon discovering this legal classification, university archivists quickly brought it to the attention of the administration, who confirmed that past documents detailing college hierarchies matched perfectly with the record of establishment that puts Princeton as the flagship university of Columbia’s many schools. “This honestly answers a lot of questions we had about the university’s earlier years,” said Timothy Paulson of the Office of the President. “No wonder all our financial documents are routed through New Jersey – it looks like almost all of them are being drawn from Princeton’s endowment.”
Despite the shock of the revelation, the administration has been quick to act, retroactively mailing updated Princeton diplomas to alumni, dyeing all unsold university gear in orange, and changing out the bookstore’s alumni portraits for Princeton graduates. Columbia campus services are currently in negotiation with metallurgy contractors to melt down Alma Mater and reshape it into a large tiger. In an all-campus email, President Minouche Shafik made sure to reiterate that Columbia will continue to function as normal, and that she looks forward to a “healthy partnership” with Princeton’s administration.
Spectador reporters spoke to the Princeton administration in New Jersey as to learn what changes Columbia can expect under their dominion. When interviewed about the discovery, President Christopher L. Eisgruber of Princeton University replied, “Holy shit, are you for real? That’s fucking hilarious.” Eigsgruber then ended the interview early to call his secretary and route all Columbia administrative salaries to his bank account, and to invest the remaining Columbia endowment in Princeton’s stock portfolio.
Given the pandemonium from the Princeton reveal, archivists are reportedly skeptical about releasing new lettering that points towards Barnard College as the sole legal descendant of the Bloomingdale Insane Asylum.
