Cock-a-doodle-doo! As we’re in the new semester, one can’t help but think of rebirth, new beginnings, and the non-powdered scrambled eggs your mom is gonna cook for you when you finally go home for break. To carry you through this already way-too-long semester, we at the Fed are here for you with a list of the top ten eggs of all time:
10. The egg from the “Chicken or the Egg” question
- This one is last place. Sorry, we got bored with paradoxes after our deep late-night conversations in our John Jay lounge freshman year.
9. Humpty Dumpty
- Mr. Dumpty flopped off the wall so hard that we cannot, in good conscience, rank him above ninth place… even though he kinda ate in Puss in Boots.
8. Togepi (Pokémon)
- Nothing to fault here, but also nothing to write home about. This cutie-patootie is a solid eighth place.
7. Heidi Klum’s husband, Tom Kaulitz, during her 2023 Halloween party
- Marriage is a social construct, and, boy, do we love it! Husband Tom stunned Federalist writers in his egg costume. #RelationshipGoals!
6. @world_record_egg on Instagram
- This mega-famous egg had a hefty 60.3 million likes on Instagram. But glorifying the social media influencer lifestyle is extremely unhealthy for an impressionable generation of young eggs! Only sixth place for this guy.
5. Omelet from [insert favorite dining hall]
- The Fed refuses to assert allegiance to any particular dining hall omelet, but would like to call attention to the prevalence of such. Why so many? Why can’t I just have pasta for breakfast, Ferris?
4. The Fabergé egg that I stole from the Met
- I hid it in my mouth like a squirrel. Please do not tell anyone.
3. Double yolk eggs
- What a fun surprise!
2. Goop jade Yoni egg
- We love Gwyneth, and we love our vaginas. While we may not be splurging for this quaint rock, we award it second place on account of its elegance.
1. The Slutty Soft Boiled Egg in Call Me By Your Name
- Crack that egg, Elio! The Fed loves Timmy, regardless of his CU dropout status.
