On Friday, the Columbia Federalist staff writers Swalla Manob (CC ‘24) and Ina Ormazbals (GS ‘25) were met with accusations of academic plagiarism as reported anonymously to the administration. Even more shocking was the assertion that these writers had stolen their goofs and gaffs from former Fed staff, specifically Anita Pizzler and Timothy Toonuts. The report cites the following examples:
“Columbia’s campus politics seem to lean the same way as my dick: somewhat left!”
-Ormazbals (2021)
“I have encountered that the political leanings of the Columbia University community tend towards a more right-leaning stance, much like the inexplicable direction towards which my phallus gravitates.”
-Pizzler (1943)
“History as a major is hard when you want it to be, but it’s generally pretty soft. However, I’ve had some professors that make it hard for no reason!”
-Manob (2022).
“I have found that English is hard when I want it to be, but it is usually a rather flaccid major. Then again, every now and then I take certain courses that arbitrarily make it extremely hard and distended.”
-Toonuts (1983).
The Fed’s investigative reporting team was able to get in contact with Mr. Toonuts, who was utterly appalled by the clear appropriation of his joke. “Frankly, I found it to be disgusting. The process of crafting a succinct and eloquent dick joke is a time-consuming, challenging, and ultimately rewarding endeavor. To see this weenie take my joke and dismember it, well… let’s just say they made a cock of themselves.”
We at The Columbia Federalist have taken these plagiarism accusations seriously and have swiftly removed any plagiarized material from our website. We want to clarify that upholding journalistic integrity is foundational to our organization, and we are committed to fighting to the bitter end to ensure that every dick, fart, and anus joke that we publish is thoroughly vetted for its originality, no matter how long and hard that process may be.
