Move over NYPD, the trolls are here! In response to increasing political tensions on campus, the colleges of Columbia University have introduced a magical new system to regulate gate traffic.
The regulation of gate access by checking CUIDS on behalf of Campus security and the NYPD has caused a backlog of students, professors, and administrators outside of the Columbia and Barnard gates, significantly increasing the time it takes to get from one place to another. Addressing this foot traffic, alongside expressed student discontent with the police presence on campus, in a recent email, Columbia administrators outlined a plan for more efficient student transportation:
“It’s no secret that trolls have become obsolete since the rise of the Internet. Their services as regulatory agencies and master street interviewers have been replaced by digital systems, and trolls as a species have become a thing of fable and folklore. Columbia’s new policy works with the NYC chapter of the Troll Guild to increase the employment of NYC’s troll population and ensure campus safety.
Under the new policy, all campus visitors will now be required to answer three riddles of the troll’s choice. These riddles can range in subject area, from Java data types to Hamilton discography. Once you answer all three riddles correctly, you will be granted access. For every riddle you answer incorrectly, you must answer three more. We encourage students to read up on troll lore and random facts in order to prevent additional access delays.
Resources to prepare for the riddles will be distributed on a first-come, first-serve basis at Butler Library starting Monday, 11/27, at 10 a.m. Resources will include: pamphlets from national parks; Snapple caps; old editions of People magazine; and Laffy Taffy wrappers.”
The decision is not without pushback: A leaked email revealed many public safety employees disgruntled with the trolls’ inexperience with managing traffic, and called for Columbia to rehire the two guards who spoke only in truth and in lies respectively.
The Fed advises students hoping for entry to refrain from talking about the Trolls movie, as it remains a sensitive topic for the many trolls who were not cast.
