New rumors are beginning to circulate that Columbia’s 20th president, Minouche Shafik, has resigned after a brief appearance at a Halloween party on Carman floor 7. Reports say that Shafik decided to head on over to Carman Hall to hang with the freshmen to celebrate the midpoint of her first semester at Columbia. One eyewitness noted that Shafik “balked” at the stench of body odor flowing under the door and into the hall as she approached the door, steeling herself to be the 51st attendee in the 100 square foot space. In classic Carman fashion, our esteemed new president was only able to last 5 seconds in the mass of sweaty freshmen, and she quickly fled the scene. Our sources on the scene report hearing a posh “Get me out of here” between the hours of 12 and 1 a.m. A statement from the administration implies Shafik then found her way onto the first flight back to London. Although the Fed has not been able to discern what exactly scared Shafik away, one can imagine it must have been quite disgusting, or, in other words, quite typical for a Carman party. Should have tried EC, I guess?
President Shafik Attends Carman Halloween Party, Immediately Resigns
