Heartened by the positive reactions to themed meals such as “May the Fourth Be With You,” and “Friendsgiving,” Columbia Dining has revealed its next big event: “The Annual Visit to the Dentist.”
“We wanted to really allow Columbia students to remember and relive core and formative moments of their childhood,” explained Columbia Dining spokesman Clementine Broccoli. “For this event, we aimed to recapture that nostalgic feeling of terror that you experience when you are six years old at the dentist’s office.”
As diners attempt to fill their plates with food, they’ll be accosted by a dental hygienist aggressively questioning whether they use mouthwash. Muted Disney Channel cartoons will be playing on TVs mounted to the ceiling. That one guy from your Lit Hum class who is majoring in music will be DJing using sound bites of dental drilling, a child crying, and samples of a voice asking if you’ve been flossing regularly.
The dining staff has also prepared themed desserts, including a cake garnished with liberal dollops of Colgate (“Great Regular Flavor”) and Jello made with Listerine instead of water.
Columbia Dining is also aware that students often struggle to find cutlery at John Jay, especially during themed meals. To address this shortage, they will remove all forks, spoons, and knives from the premises. Instead, students shall be handed a case of floss at the door so that they can lasso their food (and clean their teeth afterwards).
