This year, more and more colleges across the country have grappled with the question of whether or not to return to evaluating standardized test scores during the application process. Across Columbia’s campus, students and faculty seem split over the decision, with some community members adamant about the necessity of abandoning testing altogether and others vehemently against what they see as too radical a move. Despite continuing questions over the issue, the university recently released a statement ending Columbia’s testing debate once and for all. “Columbia University will now and forever be test-optional,” President Bollinger announced by email last week. “We understand the unequal access that some high school students have to testing resources. Tests such as the SAT and ACT in no way prove the quality of the student, and it’s time we move away from them.”
Bollinger continued, “However, we understand that some members of our community have concerns about what other evaluative methods we will use when assessing applications each year, which is why I am thrilled to announce that Columbia University finally has a solution! During next fall’s admission cycle, we will be unveiling our newest application component: ‘How much gold do you have?’ We here at Columbia believe in equality, so this part of the application is, for now, optional. But if students choose to self-identify an amount of gold currently possessed by themselves, their family, or their inheritance, we will happily take it into account.”
“As with SAT scores, 1050 pounds of gold is considered 50th percentile. Unlike the SAT, exceptional students can be expected to have 2000 pounds of gold or more in their deposits. And students with less than a desirable amount of gold are always welcome to enroll in Columbia’s newest precollege summer program: Prospecting for Beginners. For just $6,000, students can learn nifty ways to pick up gold just like they did in the olden days. Or at least hire other people to do it for them. Get out there and sift, you 49ers!”
