How to Pretend Like You’re Doing Fine This Valentine’s Day

I wrote this generic headline to distract the Feditors, but I need to get this message out: I’m being held hostage by the Columbia Federalist. I was undercover in the Fed for Spec, trying to find dirt on our greatest rival publication (cry about it Bwog), but they snooped me out. I guess I was “too nerdy” and “cared too much about journalistic integrity.” Whatever. They say if I convert to their cause and write something funny I can leave, but I don’t believe them. You won’t believe the amount of stuff I found. I can’t write it all here, but it makes Prezbo’s scandals look like Boy Scout activities. I can’t wait to get my 10 seconds of fame on Spec’s front page before my article is replaced by another dweebish opinion piece—something about the queen or wearing masks. I don’t know where I am, but it’s dark and scary here. I can hear them plotting outside about what to do to me. Please someone find me!!!