This Monday, the Columbia College Student Council announced that senior cruise tickets for the Class of 2023 would be distributed based on students’ abilities to guess the number of Jelly Beans that fit inside President Bollinger’s house.
The announcement was released amid widespread dismay that tickets to the Class of 2022 senior cruise had sold out within 30 seconds of being released.
When asked to explain the Council’s decision, a CCSC spokesman responded, “We’re tired of
everyone getting mad that they couldn’t get tickets in time. So we’re giving you all the time in the world, but you better guess the number of Jelly Beans correctly. I hope you mastered back-of-the-envelope calculations in FroSci.”
The President’s House, a three-story mansion nestled between Wien and everyone’s favorite lunchtime-only dining hall, underwent a $20 million renovation in 2006. Students can only guess at how far the building extends underground or if Prezbo has a secret bunker.
Bradley Waters (CC’25), an undeclared physics major, expressed support for the move. “Now, everyone has a statistically equal chance of getting tickets. It’s really an egalitarian solution to the whole problem.”
Ivana Hughes, Director of the Frontiers of Science program, was ecstatic about the announcement: “This is the exact kind of scenario that a Columbia education should prepare students for. I’m deeply excited and hope this will compel freshmen to actually care about FroSci.”
When asked about what would happen if no one correctly guessed the number of Jelly Beans, the CCSC spokesperson said they would move the Senior Cruise to the Surf n’ Turf boat.
