With Halloween approaching, keep your eyes peeled for these ten ghosts you can find roaming around campus.
Please note: The Federalist does not condone the harassment of any ghosts on campus.
- TREASURY SECRETARY ALEXANDER HAMILTON
- Now that Hamilton is back on Broadway, the ghost of Alexander Hamilton is back to rolling in his grave! Spooooky! You might find him haunting his alma mater… somewhere! We can’t think of any particular hall where he might be… but, somewhere! He can also be found in the wallet of CC students who “only carry big bills”. What a sweet way to pay homage to a fellow Columbian!
- AUTHOR J.D. SALINGER
- More like “Catcher in the Die,” am I right? ‘Cause he’s dead. Alum J.D. Salinger can be found standing outside of Lerner with his hands in the air, attempting to catch rye bread from Ferris or something … I don’t know, I didn’t read the book.
- YOUR GREAT-GRANDFATHER, PROBABLY
- This season’s guilty conscience ghost is sponsored by Your Imposter Syndrome. You can find the ghost of your great grandfather following you around campus, reminding you that he went there first and that’s the only reason you got in! Enjoy 🙂
- PRESIDENT FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
- Good ol’ FDR can be seen fucking his fifth cousin Eleanor Roosevelt in the stacks or hosting fireside chats in a futile attempt to finally uncover the location of the reopened Lerner gloryhole.
- ALMA MATER
- You guessed it—this queer icon can be seen occupying all the green Milstein chairs at the same time. During midterms, students partake in the longstanding tradition of sacrificing belongings to Alma. To date, this year’s offerings include:
- Pack of High Noons bought from International
- Bumble posters found on campus
- Single-use containers
- MOVIE STAR JAMES FRANCO
- 11 years after graduating Columbia with a master’s in writing, this hot celeb is back on campus. Though to the untrained eye he seems pale and ghoulish, this man, shockingly, is not actually dead yet: rather, he has smoked himself into oblivion.
- BUSINESS MOGUL ARMAND HAMMER
- We all know acclaimed actor and recently discovered cannibal Armie Hammer Jr. Jr., but have you heard of his even weirder great grandfather, Armand Hammer? Well, fear not! Armand Hammer can be seen lurking around Columbia’s campus this fall… just make sure you’re not showing too much skin around him.
- POLITICIAN JOHN JAY
- This Halloween, history’s best bailer (and inventor of the “I can’t… I’m sick” excuse used by thousands of students every day) can be found sulking around campus and haunting Political Science majors. He’s been spotted suspiciously close to Hamilton Hall. Students report hearing him complain, “I don’t get it… I’m the second-most famous revolutionary war era Columbia graduate—where’s my musical?”
- THIS RANDOM SICK KID
- Lastly, beware… there are some unidentified ghosts floating about campus this spooky season. Pictured here is a sickly Victorian boy, likely haunting his university after dying of chlamydia. We might pass him off to NYU.
