HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY—Minerva McGonagall, Headmistress of Hogwarts, has declared moderate presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg will replace Moaning Myrtle as Head Spirit of the Men’s Lavatory. “One can acknowledge that having a dead ghost girl roam the boy’s restrooms, moaning, was a bit out of touch. But hey, she died in the forties, it was a different time!”
“When I read about him in the Daily Prophet,” McGonagall told Federalist reporters, “I was struck by his ghoulish prepubescent-meets-middle-aged appearance. And then when I heard his drippy voice, I knew his spirit would quickly acclimate to life in a diarrhea-stained porcelain prison.” When asked about how the bathrooms could be so unhygienic even after cleaned with magic, McGonagall sighed and said, “No amount of sorcery can undo the scars left by Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans.”
In an exclusive interview with the Fed, Pete Buttigieg expressed excitement over the possibilities. “Was I hoping to be president? Sure. But as anyone who knows me can attest, I’ve always said, ‘If I can’t be president, then I’d want to be a dead ghost roaming the Hogwarts bathroom.’” As of press time, Buttigieg has acknowledged the progressive nature of his candidacy. “I hope every gay kid watching this will know that they, too, can one day haunt the Hogwarts shitters.”
