It’s not easy being a public figure, no matter how adored you are. After many years in the spotlight, Millie the Dancing Bear will be resigning due to lack of privacy and paparazzi misconduct (muffin burglary, compromising photos—we’ll spare you the details). Now, we face the question of which bear-bachelor will take her place.
Following debatable debates and scrupulous scrutiny, The Federalist has gathered a group of experts, headed by Barbara Walters and Steve Kornacki. They have compiled a list of each candidate’s strengths and liabilities in order to determine which furry favorite is the most bearable.
Winnie the Pooh
Pros
- Honey in the cafeteria! Virtual honey, of course.
- Has so much love to give
- Promotes body pawsitivity (eats honey, wears a crop top, loves himself unconditionally)
- Promotes healthy friendships
- Promotes mental health awareness (he deals with his own and his friends’ issues with kindness and love)
- All Columbia students are Eeyore
- All Furnald students are depressed
Cons
- President Xi lookalike
- He’d raid our honeybee’s shelter!
- Not a gal 🙁
- Enables Eeyore
- Beautiful but not bold
Brother Bear
Pros
- An enigma; is he a person? Is he a bear? Works well for dressing up as the mascot (a person inside a bear . . .)
- Bold and Beautiful
Cons
- Not a gal 🙁
Paddington
Pros
- He’s British (fancy)
- Marmalade in the cafeteria! Virtual marmalade, of course.
- If he can make prison inmates one big, happy family, imagine what he could do for shy, anxious, anti-social Columbia students. (On second thought, that might be tougher.)
Cons
- He’s British (imperialist)
- Not a gal 🙁
- Bold, but not beautiful (still kinda cute)
Goldilocks Bears
Pros
- Three for one! Great deal
- Papa Bear will increase the rate of the tuition, Mama Bear would decrease the rate of increase of the tuition, but Baby Bear would increase the rate of decrease of the rate of increase of the tuition! We at The Federalist have crunched the numbers and can confidently report that the statements all pretty much mean the same thing.
Cons
- Papa Bear will increase the rate of the tuition, Mama Bear would decrease the rate of increase of the tuition, but Baby Bear would increase the rate of decrease of the rate of increase of the tuition! We at the Federalist have crunched the numbers and can confidently report that the statements all pretty much mean the same thing.
- Not a gal 🙁
- Too bold, too beautiful, just right
The Cornell Bear
Pros
- We steal Cornell’s mascot
- Big Blue is catchier anyways
Cons
- We steal Cornell’s mascot
- We’d have to change the name
- Espionage?
- Not a gal 🙁
- Neither bold nor beautiful
Bear Grylls
Pros
- Very knowledgeable about surviving in uninhabitable environments, very applicable to NYC
Cons
- Not a gal 🙁
- Bold, but not beautiful
