In a bid to encourage safe and healthy interactions on campus, Columbia is rolling out a new program under the #KeepTheCompact umbrella that will promote covid-19 secure intercourse, called #KinkyForTheCommunity.
The program contains a string of awards for campus ambassadors who are most creatively getting dirty on their phone cameras for the good of public health. Through social media spotlights, the administration hopes these campus heroes will gain the recognition they deserve and inspire others to follow their example.
The administration really wants to stress that if we are to get through these tough times and keep transmission down, it is not only our responsibility to slut it up on our phone cameras ourselves, but we must encourage our peers to slut it up on camera and report them when they do not.
The University was pleased to give The Shapiro Award for “Best literary allusions in sexy talk wasted on an Econ major” to American Studies major Rachel Winters CC’22. While getting the nasty on through FaceTime, she gave a tastefully vivid description of her lying in the long grass of a North Carolina meadow, holding her partner as he slowly unbuttoned her blouse, and then uttered that, in that moment, she felt she was a “little piece of a great big soul.” Her boyfriend Todd, who studies Econ-Statistics, soon explained he’d already finished and hung up to prep his HireVue answers. The University wanted to commend such commitment to simulating a real sexual experience through shaky audio, although noted that her boyfriend will never treat her to something so romantic at any point in their relationship. A congratulations is still in order for spending the entire Fall semester in separate states and committing to virtual sex to prevent the spread of coronavirus.
Next, Jason Roberts CC’23 was the worthy recipient of The Christopher Robin Award for “Prioritising the public health over the feelings of their stuffed animals.” When jerking off on camera for a stranger he met on Tinder that day, his fellow participant (whose name cannot be recalled) pointed out that a rather large bear, with bulging black eyes and faded brown synthetic fur, was staring at him. In a moment that shattered all childhood innocence but kept the moment going, Roberts reached back, pulled Bobby Bear down from the shelf, and kicked it away onto the floor.
Additional awards include The Aaron Schock Award for “Surprising the most people in your hometown who didn’t suspect your sexuality until seeing you on Grindr,” The Frankie Jonas Award for “Most successfully navigated interruption from parents” and The Floormates’ Choice Award for “Sounding most like the real thing,” although the latter award may be terminated if recipients are so successful they tempt peers into floor-cest. Finally The Stephanie Meyer Award for “Most vanilla role-play that at least they tried anyway,” went to that couple who have been together since NSOP, Ashley and Rick, to thank them for at least trying to be a cross police officer and woman who was pulled over for doing 79 in a 75.
Other measures from the university include purchasing authentic phone scripts from 0800 XXXX18 that students can use as examples of sexy talk and incorporate into their phone sex, plus the provision of adjustable ring lights to improve lighting while at it.
