“The Marriott has a lot of explaining to do. I have no idea where those charges came from.”
Inspired by Pope Francis’s request for Instagram to investigate his account’s mysterious “like” of a bikini model’s post, 13-year-old Connecticut native Bryan Hemlock is contesting the 14 porn movie charges to his parent’s hotel room. “I saw that the Vatican asked Instagram how the Pope’s account liked a photo of Braizilian model Natalia Garibotto—a double tap that Francis himself never would have given—and I think that kind of conspiracy is exactly what happened here,” began Hemlock.
“The Marriott has a lot of explaining to do,” he fumed.
“I have no idea where those charges came from. My parents were out at date night, so it could not have been them. It was just me in the room. Like any other 13-year-old boy home alone, all I ordered was a documentary about the Catholic Church.”
Pope Francis took the Catholic world by storm last week when he gave queers the absolute bare minimum in this Netflix original, saying: “Homosexual people have the right to be in a family.” Now, he’s urging acceptance once again by normalizing liking big bazoomba models on his main account.
We at The Federalist have been closely monitoring his finsta account, @FrancisLuvsFannies, and have discovered no such likes. This leads us to believe that while he conceals his freakier follows, the Pope is in the destigmatizing business.
Bryan addressed the Pope in his most recent Instagram Reel, saying: “Pope Francis, I see you. I thank you for your service. And I, too, will fight the corrupt institution that is sullying my name.”
Despite repeated assurances from the Vatican that the Pope did not, in fact, like Garibotto’s photo, quotes from the book she is holding have begun to surface in his sermons. While some may think that “The Pelican Brief” does not a good sermon make, the Pope is not deterred from his new literary muse.
In an exclusive interview with The Federalist, Garibotto said: “My mom may hate my ass pics, but the Pope be double-tapping.”
We encourage our readers to fact-check this article in its entirety, for while we may slander Bryan Hemlock, we have and will never spread fake news about the Pope or Natalia Garibotto.
