As the Jews, Jew-ish goys, and goys roped into attending high holiday festivities with their Jewish signif-others know… the day of fasting, Yom Kippur is fast approaching. You’ve spent the week repenting for the many nights pre-March 2020 when you sat noshing on chicken wings with a side of froyo in the corner of JJ’s place after a night of drunken debauchery. And now, the day-long fast of Yom Kippur is upon us. 24 hours of asking God for forgiveness and praying for your name to be enshrined in the book of life and all the while not eating!
As you drool onto your machzor, we here at the Federalist know what’s on your mind. And we’re going to describe it all to you in graphic, sensual detail.
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Some form of chicken on some form of carb. Or in some form of carb. Nothing recharges your intellectual curiosity like guessing what part of the chicken you are consuming inside your nugget-type morsel. Is it a wing? A leg? That’s all part of the fun of this mouth-watering dish.
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Bananas. Nothing gives me more of a rush than sneaking bananas out of JJ’s for the following day’s breakfast. A great source of potassium and adrenaline, excellent for bowel movement.
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Chia pudding with anonymous accoutrements. It’s so fun to guess what dried food parcels are nestled into your healthy goo. Gwenyth Paltrow-endorsed, chia pudding always makes you feel better about yourself after a night of waiting for someone to sign you into EC.
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Diet Coke or something. Nothing says, “I had a crazy night out and now I’m parched” like pouring a brown-ish bev into a plastic Columbia Dining cup and THEN deciding to plunk some ice in, spattering your liquid corn syrup all over your hand. Imagine how good that would feel right now.
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Gummy Bears with fries. Nothing tastes better (and requires more repentance) than a bite of a gelatinous non-kosher small bear complemented with a crispy potato fry.
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Impossible Burger. Did… you know this isn’t meat? Nothing virtue-signals better than an Impossible Burger, more than the 30-second pitch to everyone at your JJ’s table about “how I really can’t believe this isn’t meat… it’s so sustainable that cows aren’t releasing gallons of methane to create a normal burger.”
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Chicken, a fried egg, sriracha, some vegetables, and tomatoes on a roll. The best steal in JJ’s has always been creating insta-worthy brunch meals with a swipe, be it pancakes or a fancy sandwich. The closer you can get to passing a JJ’s order off for a $19 meal at Bluestone Lane, the better. Those were the days.
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Just a cup of water. Honestly, by hour 17 of the fast, I’m dreaming of the days where I would trade in a swipe for just a sip of water.
