Okay, I’ll clear the air, I’ll say what we’ve all been thinking. Here goes nothing: Ben and Jerry, wherever you are, I am requesting a threesome. Get your humanitarian asses out of Vermont and to my apartment PRONTO.
Look, when I say I like older men, I normally don’t mean 69-year-old men. But when my Instagram feed was inundated with your Black Lives Matter statements, Defund the Police graphics, and Justice Remixed ice cream flavor, I just knew I had to hop on the bus to Flavortown.
Not only did you daddies lay out concrete steps we can take to defeat white supremacy, you paused all paid advertising on Facebook and Instagram in support of the #StopHateForProfit campaign. Take that, Zuckie bitch. Next time you sit on your arm before you jerk off so it feels like someone actually loves you, just remember that I’m about to be ice cream sandwiched between two ethical kings. Do better.
In conclusion, I’m ready. Ben and Jerry, you Burlington Baddies, rearrange my guts.
