BUTLER LIBRARY— On Monday, four Columbia students launched a hunger strike in Butler Library, joining in with over 400 people across the world participating in similar strikes. According to group leaders, the students are starving themselves until Thanksgiving break, so that they can save room for a big turkey dinner, complete with delicious gravy and mashed potatoes.
The strike comes in response to what strikers view as an issue as old as time. “Whenever we hop on our planes to head home for Thanksgiving, wreckin’ the ozone layer way more than those measly cows everyone is talking about, we always eat too many in-flight snacks,” Charlie Vicento CC ‘22, the strike’s organizer said.
The other strikers snapped and nodded. Another striker, Julia Whippel CC ‘21 wiped a tear from her eye, “Enough is enough!” Whippel is striking because she has never tasted her mother’s famous pumpkin pie, due to always being “too stuffed” by dessert.
When asked if the group members had any concerns about the carbon footprint of an animal-based meal, they all responded “carbon schmarbon” in perfect unison.
Their list of demands is as follows:
-
Big juicy turkey, stuffing cooked on the inside! None of this box mix shit, mom!
-
Marshmallows on top of mashed sweet potatoes
-
Regular mashed potatoes! One-type-of-potato-thanksgivings should only exist in the Irish famine! (note: we don’t mean to offend the Irish, we really fucked with their hunger strike—big inspiration)
-
Brussel sprouts!
