On Tuesday, Public Safety representatives issued a statement confirming the detention of 31 freshmen alleged to have been involved in an enormous iClicker sharing operation.
“The department has been struggling with iClicker sharing for years,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained during Tuesday’s announcement. “This year, however, the issue became impossible to ignore. I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room. Two of them were visibly napping. Something had to be done.”
The operation, however, ran into early difficulties.
“For a hot minute, we didn’t think we were gonna catch these guys,” Officer Jack Wallace told the Federalist. “Some of them are crafty, you feel? One suspect, we watched for three lectures straight, but when we stopped him coming out of class, it turns out he wasn’t even a freshman. It was a homeless dude they’d planted as a decoy.”
Eventually, Public Safety offices succeeding in busting the budding cartel by planting an undercover operative to gain access to the ringleaders.
“It was tough going—the youngest officer we have is 6’3” and 35, so that wasn’t gonna work out,” Wallace explained. “We ended up borrowing the Chief’s secretary –she’s actually a tiny middle-aged Chinese lady, but we slapped some Gucci sweatpants on her, handed her a carton of cigs, and told her to pretend to be an international student. Worked like a charm.”
Though Public Safety has declined to reveal the identities of those arrested, witnesses confirm that officers detained one Harold Kramer, CC’ 22, who appears to have been high up in the organization. Anonymous sources inside Public Safety’s Low office reveal that, at the time of his arrest, Kramer had no less than 23 iClickers secreted in specially-sewn pockets on his person, while 8 more were found littered around the scene where officers had tackled him exiting Teacher’s College. “I genuinely don’t know how he was clicking them all in lecture,” Chief Johnson told reporters. “Guy must have been dancing the Macarena in the back when we weren’t looking.”
At press time, Kramer’s attorney had reportedly filed a complaint against the University claiming entrapment. Attendance at the most recent Frontiers of Science lecture, inexplicably, declined to a historic low of 8 students.
