Marsha Greenbaum, mother of Isaac Greenbaum CC ’21, has reportedly snuck into his History of the Modern Middle East class posing as a GS student to deliver him some hot latkes.
“He just looks so thin and pale in his facestagrams that I knew I had to give him his own mother’s medicine: my famous Latkes!” Marsha said. “When I took a moment to listen to the professor man I was very troubled by his comments, I mean WHO can claim that Golan Heights is better than the Sinai? Nobody! Oy gevalt.”
Witnesses report that Greenbaum entered the lecture hall and sat next to her son, whispering loud enough for all to hear, “Psst, Issy, it’s me, your mother.”
After thoroughly embarrassing her son and waiting for him to consume no less than four latkes Marsha began to focus in on other students, urging them to take a latke and “put some meat on those bones.”
“These nerdy SNEEZE (sic) children are all so skinny! They need more nutrition!” said Greenbaum, disappointed with the health of Columbia students, “How can they grow up to be good doctors without a good something to nosh on?”
Isaac Greenbaum was visibly shocked and terrified by the entrance of his mother to the class claim witnesses. “She truly entered the room without the slightest bit of tact blasting through the door and asking the professor if this was the ‘middle east class with the jews and arabs and everything’ before sitting over by Isaac” said classmate Jessica Spiel CC ‘20.
“I have never been so embarrassed in my whole life,” said Isaac. “I thought I left this life behind in Chappaqua but apparently her iron grip on my life is truly unrelenting. Now she’s talking about sleeping in trundle bed in my dorm to make sure I get a proper breakfast for god’s sake!” Reports claim that Marsha followed her son out of the class and began to sell him on passing dark-haired girls, claiming that he was “very smaht” and “gives the best massages.”
“I want to make sure the other kids think he’s cool, so that’s why I brought applesauce *and* sour cream. It always worked in middle school!” she told the Fed on her commute back to Westchester County.
Mrs Greenbaum was last seen outside Prezbo’s office, hoping to talk to him about her Izzie’s performance in his free speech course.
Hillel has claimed responsibility for the event, branding it under their new “Guilted Mamas” initiative. “We really just wanted Columbia to feel more like home for the Jewish students,” said Olivia Finkelstein, SEAS ’19. “After all the anti-Semitic incidents on campus, we thought it’d be best for the main feeling of dread among Jewish students to at least be inspired by family members. Additionally, we here at Hillel all miss our mothers very much and as such we wanted to remind our fellow tribesmen about how important it is to remember where you came from.”
As of press time, Mrs. Greenbaum was seen approaching one of Isaac’s younger professors to ask him “back to my place, for a nosh and a schmooze.”
