In a joint statement released Monday, professors in the Columbia Department of Economics confirmed that according to their research, the only product that can be morally consumed under our current economic system is the asshole of an acquaintance. This new ass-eating policy comes amidst attempts to “modernize” the curriculum for one of Columbia College’s most popular majors, swinging away from free-market capitalism in favor of socialist theories such as Neo-Marxism, the Lange-Lerner model, and and anilingus.
According to the statement, reportedly written by the Economics Department’s Head of Undergraduate Studies, Professor Susan Elmes, this change was made to better fit the interests of students. “Columbia’s econ majors come from a wide variety of political backgrounds and are increasingly interested in integrating social justice into their economic education. We want all of our students to know that we stand with them 100%. It’s not enough to disavow using smartphones made in sweatshops or wearing Canada Goose jackets made from our animal brethren. Your professors don’t just walk the walk or talk the talk: we eat the ass.”
Indeed, while the change was reportedly made for the sake of students, the Department’s faculty have embraced it with open arms, and mouths.
“This has truly been a long time coming,” confirmed Professor Sunil Gulati, a renowned economist and former President of the U.S. Soccer Federation. “I’ve been eating ass on my own time for years. Little did I realize at the time, I was not only making a difference in the world, but providing a valuable example for my future students. I intend to teach a class specifically on rimjobbing next semester.”
While most economics majors that the Federalist spoke with either lauded the change as a huge step in the right direction, or were simply too coked out to respond, the new policy has not met universal acclaim.
“All this talk about ‘ethical consumption under capitalism’ is going to make potential employers think Columbia’s econ majors are soft and weak,” explained Dan Johnston, CC ‘20, an economics and political science double major. “I’m angling for a management-level position right after graduation, and the last thing I need is for companies to think I’ll prioritize my personal ethical issues over their bottom line. I’m sure all the Goldman-Sachs executives eat ass too, but they leave their private lives at home. ”
As of press time, the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences has announced a collaboration with the Economics Department, in order to prepare PhD candidates to properly kiss ass on the way to earning their doctorate.
